An Introduction

My brain keeps telling me how pointless this is; making a blog about my life. I mean, who really gives a flying fuck? But right now I really just need to let myself be heard, whoever may be listening. Which- I expect will be one or two angry trolls loving to hate me and every word I say. But here goes... It's been over a year and a half since I starting going out with him. He seemed like a sweet boy; shy, quiet, never had a girlfriend before. It's been over a year and a half since I started going with an abusive freak. For a while it was a secret. I was ashamed. Sexual abuse isn't exactly something one would want to brag about, but eventually I had to tell..officially labeling me as an attention whore, since by that point I was far too attached to him to leave. What can I say? Maybe I am an attention whore. But I loved him, and part of me still does, despite my constant anger towards him. A year and a half later we're finally over. But everything that happened between us just makes it do hard. It's been about three weeks since I lost all my friends over a silly, meaningless, one-week relationship. But who needs friends? Especially when everyone you know is just waiting to stab you in the back. It's been two hours since my mother poured a glass of water over a years worth of my art; my expression. And now I ask myself. What am I doing? What am I doing here? I feel like I'm sinking into a deep and dark abyss of sadness and fear. Medicine doesn't help. Nothing seems to, except for maybe the brief encounter with a new romantic interest or momentary enlightenment into the perfect simplicity of animals. It all starts to seem pointless. Day after day, over and over, it seems like no one cares, like no one is ever listening to me. Life drones on. Every now and then I start to miss him. In truth it took half a year for him to build the confidence to really hurt me..but, despite that, the friendly relationship we held, behind the romance, meant more to me than any other. No one else could tolerate my bad attitude, constant panic attacks, and bursts of depression. When I lost that, a big hole opened up in my heart. No one has yet to fill it. My whole world is filled with hatred. Hatred to me; I look like a boy, I'm a drama queen, I'm an attention whore, I'm a whore, I'm pansexual, I'm agnostic, I'm white. And hatred towards others; through racism, the church, politics. It all brings me farther down. I just want to love, be loved; be able to trust in love, in the world, in the future. This blog will be about my life; trying to get away from all that's gone wrong. So maybe- just maybe- when I'm gone, someone will remember.