Maybe it isn't the best time to talk about this for me, but I figured since I was here I might as well go ahead.
So something very tragic happened in my life, no more than a month ago. I don't know why I hadn't posted about it sooner; I had a lot to say. I suppose it hurt too much to talk about when I wasn't even sure anyone would hear (or read. Whatever.)
I guess maybe I should start out in the beginning, and I apologize in advance if the story is rough; I'm having a hard time with this. It all started almost two years ago, when I was still with my ex. There was a new kid in school; we all had science class together. He was funny, attractive..Everyone liked him. We never really talked, but he got to be good friends with my ex. They hung out, joked, played video games. Now that I think back, he first really came into my life asking to have sex with me. I, being myself, said no. Not only did I have a boyfriend, but I didn't even want to have sex with the person I was with. Thinking about all this, I don't even remember how he got my number. So that being done, he told people I was a whore. I think he probably got the idea that I might have sex with him from the fact that my ex exaggerated all that we'd done together. I was mad, but I got over it.
Time passed and eventually all was forgotten. Summer turned to fall. He and I had gym together.
Now, by this point in time he had decided he liked me. Though I my previous relationship had ended, I rejected him. He continued, however, to slap my ass whenever the chance presented itself. And yet, despite that, he sort of became my friend.
As I may have mentioned in the past, I got sick that winter. I was unable to return to school, and until graduation, we had lost contact. Still being a technical member of the student body, I did attend. I'm not even going to go into the details of how idiotic I looked. But once it was done and we'd all filed out into the courtyard, he was one of the first people to come up and hug me. He asked me out for the first time that day. I might have said yes had there not been another girl; my sisters best friend. Every now and then I wonder what would have happened if I'd said yes; whether things would have turned out differently.
Now it was around that time when things started to turn around for him. Looking back at our conversations, he described it as a switch turning in his mind. It was that summer he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. When he got to his new school, his personality had changed. He was bullied, his mother wanted to send him away. It was then he contacted me again. I had forgiven him. I listened, and he knew that I cared. After that, we began to talk more frequently and became closer friends. He wanted to kill himself. I told him I couldn't stop him if that was what was best for him, but that I would be devastated if he did.
Shortly after this, he went missing. Well..Not really missing. I looked for him. Went out in the middle of the night; the memory still threatens to bring me to tears. I was so relieved when he texted me, telling me he's been in the hospital, suicidal. At least he was alive.
We were going to move in together year after next. He asked me to run away with him; I wish I'd said yes. I didn't. He claimed to be in love with me. I don't really doubt that now, but I did at the time; it was what was holding me back.
Three months ago I made a mistake. I abandoned him. I found someone I wanted to be with. It having been a month since what happened, I've had time to think, and I don't regret saying yes to him. He's probably the best boyfriend I've had. What I regret is leaving my friend when he'd told me what was going on; told me he needed me. I regret not telling him I loved him when I had the chance.
Almost a month ago, this friend killed himself. He was found on the reservation near our towns, bullet in his heart.
I wasn't lying when I said I'd be devastated. I was devastated. I didn't want to believe it. I cried; I screamed; I slammed my head on the wall, but he was still gone. I knew it was my fault. I came close to following in his footsteps several times.
My current boyfriend stayed the night, making sure I didn't hurt myself. At that point, I felt sick. I regretted ever even considering going out with him. That's changed now of course; I know there's nothing I can do now, whether this is my fault or not. I can't go back. Why turn my back on someone who really cares about me, and who I care about, just to dwell in the past. I couldn't take the funeral; it was open casket. I don't like to cry in front of people, and more than that I didn't want to see the people he thought didn't care.
Time has passed and I'm no longer on the verge of tears at all times; no longer swimming in the void of depression I was a month ago. Don't get me wrong, I'm not over it. I'm not over him. I still dream about him, wake up praying to whoever that it was all a dream. It wasn't though. I know that. There are so many emotions that I could share, that I just can't get out into words. All I can say is that I hope he knows that I really truly love him, and that I cared. I really cared.
Guys- if you know someone who needs you, don't doubt them. Let them know how you feel. I think it's worth being made a fool of if it means they know you care. I'd do virtually anything to go back and tell him just how much he meant to me, rocky past of not. But I guess life isn't fair.
