Falling Back Into Hopelessness

So I no longer have any friends (spare the one in Ohio), and the world is seeming rather hopeless. I was told today that I was just like every other girl..I'm just a whining attention whore. And I don't know, I guess that's true. It all started with an out of taste joke saying people should be killed. I jokingly told him he was an ass. He wouldn't believe it was a joke and just went on and on about he was sick of everyone, including me, screwing him over. I explained so many times that I didn't hate him, but to no avail. He said he wanted me to tell him the truth, so I did. I told him everything that had happened with HIM, and how my anxiety effects me. He accused me of lying. My every word was used against me. What's wrong with me? I couldn't keep a friend if my life depended on it, and right now, it's feeling like it does. I don't see a future for myself right now. Everyone tells me I can't be a doctor because of my fear, then refuse to help with the fear. I don't want friends anymore. I just want to get away. Get away from this town, get away from myself, get away from this life. Damn. The main thing that's keeping me from ending it all tonight is the fact that that would make me just like every other whiny teenage girl in this world, now wouldn't it? Fuck it all.

My Grandmother

So things have been hard recently. I've been out of town for the last week. My grandmother passed away on the second of the month. I'm not sure what happened exactly, since no one trusts my stability enough to tell me anything, but in the end she had sepsis originating from a perforated colon. I didn't think I'd be nearly as upset as I was. I had problems with my grandmother; it seemed she gave my other cousins credit for everything I did right. I still haven't forgiven one of my cousins and I do not look forward to seeing him, having to refrain from lashing out at him. However, at her first memorial service (there will be two), which was today, I learned that she was in fact proud of me. According to her friends, she talked about it all the time. I just wish now I was able to say goodbye, but my blasted fear had to get in the way and that will never happen. She was a great woman. She was very loving and accepting of everyone, though sometimes brutally honest. She and my grandfather played a huge role in bringing down segregation in the town in which they lived, back when African Americans were treated so unfairly. The received recognition from the town when they left for everything they'd done. I didn't realize this really until she was gone. I miss her terribly. On a lighter note, if any of you read this blog regularly who I'm not introduced to, I'd enjoy hearing from you. Only if it's convenient, of course. Send me an email if you ever need to talk. This is my way of letting out what needs to be let out..stuff that I'm sure would annoy the fuck out of any given person I might choose to confide it. But I'll listen to anything anyone has to say, so if you want then go for it.