Putting Things Off

I don't quite know why I'm choosing to post right now. I don't have much to say and no one much to read it. I guess I was just thinking. Sometimes I just sit down when I have nothing else to do and start remembering everything and analyzing my own mind, and then boom- I feel hopeless. Like there's nothing I can do; as if I'm locked up in shackles and can't move but a few inches. And I want to kill myself. No emotional breakdown, panic attack or anything. I just look to the nearest bottle of medication or the nearest sharp object and think 'I could do this. I want to do this.' So I sit there, feeling helpless and broken, weighing my options. In the end I don't usually do anything, because what if I vomit? Dicyclomine overdose is rarely fatal and I don't know for sure how much would be necessary. And what if I change my mind midway? Basically, I decide not to bother, and instead I wallow in self-pity and regret, listening to my puppy snore and thinking of all the things in my life that have gone wrong; telling myself how selfish and horrible I am to feel sorry for myself when there are so many others suffering more than I, and wondering if tomorrow I'll do what I've been putting off the majority of my life, and just straight out end it. I apologize, to anyone reading this, for ranting.