Looking back, it's been several months since I wrote anything. Oops. I guess I just haven't gotten around to it. I know I've thought about it, but my motivation hasn't exactly been at it's highest, and I'm never online when I feel like writing. So, here we go.
I was confronted a few months back while having some issues with panic, by someone I previously considered to be a friend. He called me a hypochondriac, said I overreact about everything, and that I just don't want to be happy. I'm just going to start out by making it very clear that I am not a hypochondriac. I have emetophobia. Sure I worry over whether or not something will make me sick. If you'd remember, I'd rather die than vomit. That clear? Alright. If there's one thing you should never say to me if you expect to gain my friendship, it's "you're a hypochondriac/hystrionic."
On to claim number two. Yes, I make a big deal over shit. Know why that is? I feel more over shit than most people do. I overanalyze and I overFEEL. I can't help it. I'm just overly sensitive. If I could change that, I very well might.
Number three: Happiness. Could anyone really be so daft as to believe I WANT to be unhappy? Obviously this person wasn't too sharp (He believed people only ever vomited because they had bacteria in their stomachs(WHAT?)). But really. Happiness, to me at least, is something far more complicated than what I want. Yes, I want to be happy. In fact, sometimes I actually AM happy, it just tends not to last very long. The thing is that once you've been brought up from unhappiness, it's going to hurt even more once you fall again. Don't understand? Think of it this way; You want a kitten, so you go to the shelter and adopt one. A week or two later, the kitten dies. That loss feels a hell of a lot worse than just wishing you had a kitten. However, even with the threat of falling further, I still want to be happy. Fuck, I LIKE being happy. And of course I do; that particular balance of chemicals makes us feel good. Maybe happiness is harder for me not only because I have a hard time climbing out from my hole to get there, but because I'm constantly in fear of losing it. I couldn't tell you for sure.
Anyway- since I haven't posted in so long, I thought I'd write on two topics today, this second one being standards. Yes, I mean standards in dating.
To really understand why this is bothering me you'd have to go back about a year. About a year ago, I met a guy. He seemed pretty nice, and we got to be pretty close. Problem was, he liked me a little bit more than I wanted him to. When he asked me out I told him no, but that there was always a chance I'd change my mind in the future- that was where I messed up. After that, he was on a constant mission to try to get me to date him. I'm not even going to go into that shit right now, seeing as it's far to much for me to want to type. Long story short, he was nice to me, maybe even a little too nice (to the point where it got stalkerish), and was under the impression that because of that, I owed him a relationship. Now we get to my standards. "Nice guys"- the kind you always see complaining on the internet- for some reason have got it into their heads that girls only go for douchebags. There are two things I have to say to this. One- people tend to have a side to them that isn't necessarily obvious. Every now and again, there will be a douchebag that actually has a nice side to them that you can't see. The same goes to nice guys. A lot of the "nice guys" are actually assholes. Yeah. If you go around the internet complaining because a girl actually values your friendly relationship then chances are I'm talking about you. You're an asshole. Second thing I have to say: No. A lot of girls DO in fact want a nice guy. But a lot of them also have standards. So I thought, for everyones benefit, I'd share my rule on dating. For me to even consider dating a guy he must be two of three things: Nice, interesting and attractive. If you are just nice, that's good and all, but not enough for me to want a relationship with you. As cruel as it sounds, that's just to help me avoid some not-so-pleasant situations, and so I intend to stick to that rule. And to that "nice guy"- because I know he knows how to find this blog- I don't want a douchebag. I do genuinely want a nice boyfriend. Oh- and, though I hate to jump the gun here since it's only been a month, I'd have to say my boyfriend is a pretty nice guy, and I'm very pleased with that.
I do hope anyone reading this will excuse any mistakes I've made with the text. This computer is not my own and therefor I'm finding it slightly difficult to use, seeing as I've yet to get used to it.
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