The Adverse Effects of a Subconscious Tyranny

I don't think anyone has ever understood the depth of the situation. It may have seemed like it ended months and months ago, but it's still going on in my head. Don't tell me to get over it, because it will be a long time till I will. No one saw what went on between us; no one was there but us. We were like one person at a time. It was his choice to bring that to a close, but it still haunts me. It's as if all along, it was me. As if all my mistakes were amplified to the point of taking blame for him. Sure, maybe my mind exaggerates the past a bit to itself, but I'm constantly seeing him in my head, my dreams, and I feel like I've committed some great crime against myself. I can't let it go. The past 3 or 4 nights I've been given no rest. People are constantly talking about him, how cool he is, how they're going to hang out with him and his new perfect girlfriend who everyone likes. She and I are opposites. She's some sexy goddess of perfection. I'm the only one who doesn't metaphorically bow in her presence. I was, in fact the one who introduced the two. She had been my friend for a year or two before that. And before I know it they're the new princess and prince charming. Ever since then, she's treated me like shit on a stick. How did she get to be princess and I get to be an infected stool sample?How does she have so many friends? I just wish I knew what it was about me that revolts people so much. I see his mother everywhere as well. And I see him in my dreams. My head won't give me a moment free of him. I've dreamed several nights in a row that he'd been infected with Taenia saginata (the beef tapeworm). I've wondered whether it has some hidden meaning; like maybe whatever it is that's turned him into a monster isn't really him; it's just living inside him, feeding off of him, controlling him. Or maybe I've just spent too many nights studying medicine. Last night I dreamed about the people who have been so fondly thought of as my friends. We don't talk so much anymore, but it was them. The whole lot of them. In the dream, we were all at the house of a family I know where we all used to hang out together. I confided in them, told them as best I could of what was going on in my head. "Fuck you," they told me. "You really think this is their fault? No one likes you because of you! It's all you! You have no friends because you're so fucked up!" Everyone turned their back, shouting and swearing at me, and left. And there he was, telling me it was okay, that he cared. I woke up trying to figure out exactly what it is about me, and why my mind is so insistent on torturing me with the memories of betrayal and what could have been if it all hadn't been so drastically fucked up. I feel as if I'm being eaten away from the inside. The sadness, hopelessness holds me down, as the fear drags me. I've frequently found myself daydreaming, working away at some delusional plan for the future. It brings a momentary feeling of manic. Like the world is mine; I can do whatever I want! And then it's gone. Reality slowly slips back into place. I've decided it's a coping mechanism. Without that flash of light, the hopelessness and intense fear would likely drag me into a no-return zone. The therapist is changing my medicine from Zoloft to Lexapro. I doubt it will make any difference. If anything, it will raise my anxiety and make me sweat. The sadness on it's own might be manageable, but my senseless fear is something that I am unable to deal with. I want her to help me, but she's the certified doctor, she calls the shots. I want to ask her, why can't she change my medication to something that will actually help me? I'm not going to give myself toxicity poisoning, I'm scared to death of being sick, why the hell would I do something like that? I know all about toxicity poisoning. As for addiction and abuse? I need this medicine. I feel so damn handicapped. I would tell her all that, but as much as I know, I'm still not elidgable to argue with a psychiatrist. What the hell?